The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
