took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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