Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Are my feet made of real feet?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
