over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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