I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
