I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
