What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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