I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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