You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
