You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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