He disabled his match.com account in front of me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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