I just threw up on my dentist
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
