just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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