I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
