Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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