I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Randomize
