he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
