this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Two words: nipple clamps
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