I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
