guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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