Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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