I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I wear drunk well.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
