i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
