My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
