You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize