it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
