hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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