Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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