Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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