One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
