saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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