That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
