a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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