is your mom at the bar?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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