Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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