i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
