Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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