He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
