I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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