If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
