im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
