This is not my ceiling
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You took a bar mat shot.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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