That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
