Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
