Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
