The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
