I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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