Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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