He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
