so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
