So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
