This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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