I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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