i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
