Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize