How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
