pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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