I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I touched a dick in church today
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
