WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
