There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
