I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
