I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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