my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
