I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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