I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
