We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
