i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
